The DataPig household is a bit hectic lately. Mrs. Pig will be giving birth on Tuesday, and I’ve been asked to be there.
Apparently I was there when she conceived so that somehow requires me to be there to hold her hand while she brings forth life.
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I long for the days when men just waited outside until all was done. Now days, I’m supposed to provide comfort and support. I’ll be honest. I have a better chance of getting myself pregnant than I do of saying anything to make Mrs. Pig feel “comfortable”. I always say something asinine like “good job…almost there…just a few more…”. Meanwhile all the nurses get to treat me like I’m just the A-hole in the way.
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But the best part is the three days of prison sentence that awaits me after the baby is born. I get to sleep at the hospital in a plastic recliner at a 70 degree angle for three days. Oh goody. I also get to watch 5 channels of closed-circuit television, and live on Vending machine pastries for three days while the state- of-the-art cafeteria is closed for renovations.
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Now, I know what you are saying: “Just be happy the baby is healthy”.
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Listen, the enormity of the occasion doesn’t escape me. I know a miracle is happening. But, I also know that little miracles grow up to be little assholes who won’t put their shoes on when you’re trying to leave. That’s what I call my kids: Little Miracle Assholes. The gifts from heaven who make your life a hell. (you have my permission to use that on a T-shirt or bumper sticker)
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My wife doesn’t believe me on this, but I told her that men don’t “love” their kids until they’re around three years old. It’s true. Babies are little aliens that communicate with their eyes. I don’t have time for that. Don’t get me wrong. I care about the baby – just as I would care about a pet turtle. Just don’t ask me to interact with the baby until around three years old.
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Anyway, we are pulling together all the logistics of who will watch our existing kids while the new one is entering the fantastic DataPig household. The new one will make four kids for us. “Wow that’s a lot of kids for someone who doesn’t like kids.”
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Ahhh…I have a plan. When I get old, I plan on living with my kids. Because I’m such a dreadful character, I don’t think one kid will be able to take me in for a full year. So with four kids, I can live with a different kid each quarter. Brilliant!
Don’t forget to to count the fingers and the toes.
One little piggy, two little piggies….
Is this somehow the Bacon recipe post?
from http://www.birthingbyheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/take-one-placenta.pdf
Placenta Bolognaise
Ingredients:
- 500 grams of fresh human placenta minced
- 1 onion minced
- 100g Bacon minced.
- 1 Capsicum diced finely
- 1 clove of garlic minced
- 1 tin of chopped tomatoes.
- 2 tablespoons of tomato paste
- 1 tablespoon Olive oil for frying
Method:
1. Heat olive oil in a pan
2. Brown the placenta mince and bacon with the onions and garlic
3. Toss in the other vegies, and sauté until tender
4. Add the tinned tomatoes and tomato paste
5. Bring to the boil
6. Simmer for approximately 5 minutes – if the consistency isn’t what you desire, you can add a bit of water.
And Mike…that’s just one of 5 placenta recipies on the site that has bacon.
Eat your heart…er, placenta…out!
Quit complaining. Set up a spreadsheet and look look at the financial angle:
http://tinyurl.com/rbopcy
You’re welcome.
I didn’t love Andrew until he could throw a football. Does that make me a bad person?
John: Selling babies is an absurd idea. Children are worth much more on the black market between the ages of 7 and 15 when they can actually do manual labor.
Kusleika: You’re a man. Of course you’re a bad person.
Mike -
Judging from that attitude, you’re going to need 48 more kids, because I think they’ll only want you for a week at a time. And probably Mrs Data Pig will want to be at a different piglet’s home.
Tip 5 from John Walkenbach’s link is gold. Given you already think they are a-holes (albeit miracle ones) I suggest something like Sheet1! (Complete with exclamation mark).Given your excel-based readership, this should give you the edge.
Tip 5 being ‘Given a new name’
If you think you are there to hold her hand, you are kidding yourself my friend. No, you are there just so that your wife can shout and scream extreme profanities at you, telling you what she really thinks of you for putting her through all this pain. And lucky you, this will be your fourth time.
I’m the father of 3 daughters myself, and it’s all part of my master-plan (just like yours) to have someone to care for me in my old age.
The little Q-ettes think I’m such a kidder, but they’ll find out soon enough…
http://www.socialsignal.com/cartoon/if-kids-had-apis-would-be-so-much-easier