It’s summer time and blog readership will be down. So I’m saving my good Excel and Access tricks for later. Right now, I’m starting a series called ‘Road of the Excel Bastards’.
This is my take on a series called Road of the Excel Masters started a long time ago by Excel MVP, Colo. In his series, he would interview Excel gurus, asking them Excel related questions.
In my version, I’m asking questions that have nothing to do with Excel. Let’s get to know our Excel gurus through the prism of asinine questions.
Today’s Excel Bastard is Simon Murphy!
I couldn’t find a good picture of Simon Murphy so I’ll just use this picture of Eddie Murphy.
Simon is the English purveyor of the popular Excel blog Smurf on Spreadsheets. He seems to be a smart enough fellow with a penchant for controversial statements like
“All I remember about Fort Worth Texas is that it was hot and it smelled like horse piss“.
Here is my ground-breaking interview with Simon Murphy, Excel Guru.
DataPig: What’s your favorite thing in your refrigerator right now?
Simon: Beer
I’m guessing Simon means Foster’s. All Brits drink Foster’s.
DataPig: Red Shirt or Blue?
Simon: Blue
DataPig: How many hats do you have?
Simon: More than Imelda Marcos
Imelda Marcos actually had lots of shoes, but I get his point.
Hey, wait a minute, if you rearrange Imelda Marcos’ name, you get I smeld a Macro. Simon, you dog, can’t you stop thinking about Excel for one minute?
DataPig: Who plays your role in a movie about Excel?
Simon: Danger Mouse
I don’t know if he means the maniacal, one-eyed rat, or DJ Danger Mouse.
In any case, I think either one would bring out Simon’s passion for Excel.
DataPig: Which Superpower do you want: Invisibility, Flight, Strength, or Mind Reading?
Simon: Well…with many of the people I know mind reading would be a limited power – with their minds not actually doing much. With the Mrs., even if I read her mind she would change it before I could react. I think I’m right in saying that if you sink down in your chair and shut your eyes, that’s the same as invisible, so I can already do that. Strength would be handy enough. My first thought was flight, but I’d imagine it would get a bit boring own your own after a while. So even though I haven’t actually got anything heavy to carry right now I guess I would have to go with strength.
Jesus – it was just a question man.
DataPig: What’s the title of your autobiography?
Simon: Spreadsheet Hell
DataPig: Who do you like better, Tom or Jerry?
Simon: It was always Jerry, but as I’ve mellowed I have more and more sympathy for Tom.
DataPig: What’s the most important part of the sandwich?
Simon: One or two good quality ingredients, not 20 cheap nasty things covered in slime to hide the cheap nastiness.
Oh you mean like this?
DataPig: What’s the Best thing you ever ate?
Simon: Sausage and Nutella sandwiches on toast.
Holy crap – you ARE British.
DataPig: What’s the Worst thing you ever ate?
Simon: Any sandwich from Switzerland, where I now live.
The Dude agrees….
“I smeld a Macro.”
That’s probably the most thought-provoking thing I’ve read all week.
TYPICAL MAINSTREAM EXCEL BLOG NOT ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.
I kid. Good post!
LOL, classic very funny!
Those butties look fantacka – exactly the sort of thing you don’t get in Switzerland.
its fair to say I have seen some pretty smelly macros in my time. How long did it take you to come up with the anagram?
Simon: It took me about 2 minutes to come up with the anagram.
Most Brits I know, including myself, wouldn’t drink Foster’s if they were giving it away. Come to think of it, most Aussies wouldn’t drink it either.
It’s going to be a fun summer! The culinary distinction between his worst and best things to eat is perplexing, or should I say “subtle”. I suppose if you’re washing it down with a Foster’s oil can it doesn’t really matter anyway.
Mike, u’ll do well as a stand-up comedian….. love this series!! Good use of visual-aids too!